I recently blogged on having goals and dreams when life feels a bit bleak. Some of us have ended up losing or quitting our jobs or whatever it is in life we were up to before we got sick. I really dislike calling myself “sick.” I don’t do it often, I feel its one of those labels that can really stick with a person. I am going to speak on my experience today with feeling useless and missing some purpose in life I believe God has for me.
So to make a very long story short when I was 21 years old I became sick and had to quit my job as well as my second semester of my junior year in college. It was devastating to me. I enjoyed my job as well as school even though near the end it was a struggle to get through the day. Skipping lots of details...I am now 29 and on disability which I am grateful for yet I struggle with. I find people who know very little or nothing about my situation to be very judgemental about getting government help. I have never directly displayed this fact until now. I am no longer embarrassed about it because I do know that some people really need it. However, I will say that after six years of not working I have struggled to find purpose each day in my life. This is outside of my faith because that does give me my sole purpose in life. But I do think that its very hard waking up everyday not having anyone counting on me. I have and do some volunteering and of course have other things I do, however I always envisioned myself getting up in the morning and going to work because this is what people do. The struggle is real, the temptation to pull the covers back over my head and wish I didn’t have the pain I do and the issues I do is real. But life must go on. There must be a purpose.
I have been praying about this and thinking about this for quite some time now. I have been extremely restless no matter how sick I have been. Even during my last hospitalization for a bowel obstruction I still was focused on “there has to be more in this life for me.” It’s made me cry and laugh and smile and just about every other thing you can imagine. I have decided to take up writing. I laughed just now because I realized you will be reading my blog thinking, “well, duh”!! I am excited at some upcoming opportunities for me to write even outside of my blogging and cant wait to see what God has in store for me with this. My 12 year old childhood dream of being a writer is gonna come true!
And now, to those ostomates or other people struggling with chronic illness who are unable to work and miss their daily routines as I do, don’t give up just yet. There are tons of options out there, even for the most unwell of us. Everyone who can, should volunteer. It not only should and will help other people, but it will bring a smile to your heart as well. Blessings to your week:)